Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Chicago Rules!

I found the funniest article in the Chicago Tribune today. One of the columnists decided to lay down the rules for Conan. Here's what he said...


Dear Conan:

Yep, everyone here sure is excited that you're bringing your big show to our little cow town starting tonight. We haven't had such a major talk show hosted here since, um, "Oprah."

But don't take our giddy outbreak of Conan Fever as a sign that we'll laugh ourselves silly if you serve up the same old tired Chicago references that outsiders routinely make when they try to ingratiate themselves with the locals. The rest of the country may look affectionately upon such terms as "Windy City," "Chi-Town" and "Cubbies," but we'll respond to such cliches by sitting on our hands, even if the "LAUGHTER" light is flashing brightly at the Chicago Theatre.

So here's a primer on how to avoid our wrath and make us laugh:

Avoid: Deep-dish pizza, Wieners Circle hot dogs, Mr. Beef. We love 'em. We're sick of hearing about 'em.

Try instead: Chicago becoming the first U.S. city to ban foie gras. "Hog butcher for the world" is now "Protector of duckies" -- that's funny.
Avoid: Mike Ditka. He's an arena football owner now. We just don't care.
Try instead: Ozzie Guillen. We're smitten with the Oz and his quick-witted, profanity-laced, barely intelligible candor.
Avoid: Anything about Al Capone and gangsters. Soooo old.
Try instead: Our freshly convicted ex-governor and the corruption investigations into the current governor's and mayor's administrations. Maybe you could apply for a Streets and Sanitation job!
Avoid: The Cubs' eternal futility and how, after the Red Sox's and White Sox's World Series victories, it's their turn. We don't think it's funny anymore. And, please, no "Cubbies"!
Try instead: Wrigley Field's $60 bleacher seats. You also could score points with Soldier Field's losing its landmark status after being rebuilt to resemble a space-age toilet. Extra credit for dissing the McCaskeys.
Avoid: Chicago's crazy weather. It's unpredictable. We get it.
Try instead: The construction/destruction of the Dan Ryan and nearby highways. That makes us crazy.
Avoid: The iconic status of the Sears Tower.
Try instead: The erection of Trump Tower Chicago. You'll think of something.
Avoid: Explaining how "Windy City" refers to local politicians.
Try instead: Ripping on Barack Obama (maybe the night he's your guest). We still like him -- he's just due.
Avoid: The Chicago River becoming green on St. Patrick's Day.
Try instead: Marshall Field's becoming Macy's and the World Music Theatre/New World Music Theatre/Tweeter Center becoming the First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre. Rockin' at the Bank!
Avoid: Wacker Drive puns. David Letterman got there first.
Try instead: Blagojevich puns. We're looking for a good one.

Sincerely,
Mark Caro

Well, its T-30 mins to the Cone-Zone. Some final words of advice, Conan, follow the rules or suffer the consequences!!!

posted by tanvi @ 10:45 PM

3 Comments:

At 5/10/2006 9:06 AM, Blogger payal said...

So I saw part of the show last night (I taped the rest) and um he kinda did "rebel" by touching upon the cubbies and the "windy city" and the Sears Tower. But with MR. T by his side, his so called "tour-guide" it was hilarious! Never before, has the South Side of Chicago ever looked so...um..what's the word..exciting?

 
At 5/10/2006 9:21 AM, Blogger payal said...

My favorite parts (from the beginning video, cuz then I fell asleep. I know I know, I need to get some more caffine tomorrow!)was when MR. T went down the slide with Conan in playground and when Mr. T skipped with Conan into the Sears Tower. Nowhere else baby. Nowhere else will you find such stupidity and hilarity:)

 
At 5/10/2006 1:15 PM, Blogger payal said...

so i'm going on a comment-spree:)
--i just noticed something interesting: the cone zone has taken on avatars of its own with different spellings. I've spelled it ConeZone. The Chicago Tribune spells it Cone Zone. and Tanvi spells it Cone-Zone. Yes, I know, I'm a dork and I always check spelling. What can I say, its in the genes as they say:)

 

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